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[15 Jan 2007|12:03pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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i need to remember this code.
dont mind it.
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[16 Jun 2005|04:43pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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recycled air-THE POSTAL SERVICE |
] |
i fucked up. again. i swore to myself, i swore to HIM, and i broke a promise. it confuses me really. i dont understand how all of this happened. everything goes right for weeks, then just one thing happenes, then another, and another. its just this downward spiral of horrible things. and i try to keep smiling. i try to stay happy. obsess over something. but, then i just snap, like a rubber band streched out to much. i relaps. i fuck everything i worked for out the window. then i sit back and listen to something soft. something that talks about love/heartbreak. and i thank god for the postal service. but when i liten to music all my emotions show. its weird. i dont like people to ask me whats wrong. unless it just me and them. a one on one thing. not in front of a whole group and say it sarcastically like you really dont fucking give a shit. it hurts me when people do that. but its not like it matters.
( now we can swim any day in november{don't wake me, i plan on sleeping in )
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[15 Jun 2005|06:41pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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a cooking show |
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The rules are that you have to come up with 6 songs that mean a lot to you. Then you have to come up with 6 albums that also mean a lot to you. Then you tag 6 people to do it.
…GO
6 songs-
The USed-on my own
Good Charlotte-Hold On
yelowcard-only one
Snow Patrol-Run
Avenged Sevenfold-Second HEartbeat.
Story of the YEar-Anthem of our dieing day
6 albums-
Vendetta Red-Between the Never and the Now
S.T.U.N.-evolution of energy
The distillers-coral fang
Himsa-courting tragedy and disaster
alkaline trio-good mourning
the lashes-get it
I choose
angelene
leisa
kaitlin
allie
kendra
nicole
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[15 Jun 2005|06:24pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious in the worst way |
] |
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music |
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a cooking show |
] |
i tried to make you stop all this before it got you into to trouble. now, you got in trouble. don't ever say i didn't help. i'm sorry all this happened to you, but i tried and you just disregarded it.
so sorry, seriously.
--------------------------------
so do you all realize that we have 4 days left? 4 days left to say anything we've ever wanted to. 4 days to say good bye. its not nearly long enough. i keep on avoiding this. i dont want it to end.l why cant it just be over without the good byes. i hate good bye. they make me hate everything. good bye are the hardest things anyone has to do. we all say we'll be friends but deep down we know we won't. we may go to the same high schools, but they are so big we'll loose ourselves. we'll change, we'll forget. we know it.
so i guess my point with this is if i dont say good bye to you its not that i dont care its just i hate crying in front of people.
i'm gonna lose all my sevies....even him, i bet. wow that really sucks.
xoxo ruby
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[13 Jun 2005|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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mtv movie awards. |
] |
JOANIE. bring my cd tommorow? thanks.
well, i went home sick today. didn't feel good at all. so now i'm at home watching the mtv movie awards with my brother, because bernadette and elizabeth are asleep.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
bring me hot chocolate. -sniff- please?
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[11 Jun 2005|07:08pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
] |
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music |
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say! days! ago0o0o!- THE FUCKING USED |
] |
so....i think i still like him. i don't know why though. i mean...this guy....hes not even cute it's just the things i remember. his smile. i dunno. i guess i'm just digging up lost feelings, but it was his fault really. i'm just looking for lost time.
i really wish i knew what is gonna happen with me and him. not him ^. but yeah. hes playing with my heart. he playing my head and playing with my emotions. can't he just tell me whats going to happen. even "this will never work" would be enough closure right now.
there are so many doors left wide open right now. like everything going on i need closure for. the only thing secure is summer. summer brings its own anxiaties though. pleanty to worry about. i do have a job though. pays well. so thats good.
us. we're working this out, you and me. i think we'll be fine. i think i'm finally pretty much over it. i've been thinking since you called me andi think we should just talk over coffe(or chai)(*or whatever) on monday or tuesday after school. just call me tomorrow. or if your reading this sunday, after you read this.
i really like my hair straight. i need to buy a good straightner.
i'm done being single. i'm done being alone. so far there are 2 doors open for that.
yeah. well i have to clean my room and the office because my brother, his wife, andmy neice are oming up tomorrow and i forced to do hard labor. lol. k well, i should go.
xoxo.
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[10 Jun 2005|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 my parents trust me |
] |
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music |
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bright eyes. |
] |
yes you did call me today. awkward, no?
yeah i miss you too. alot.
but you hurt me really bad and it was so hard for me to cope.
i don't hate you, not mad either.
i guess i still just need a bit of time?
i'm sorry. a little bit more time will do me better.
you know how angry i get when someone make me mad. it takes a while for me to get over grudges.
don't take this wrong. i want to make this work...but not while i'm still upset.
xoxo ruby
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[09 Jun 2005|07:57pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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CSI |
] |
he made me stop. he's the only one that has acctually, straight up told me that i had to stop. he said "just try to stop, PLEEEAAASSEEE. for me?" how could i not. he helped me. but i don't know if it'll be over. it'll be hard to just stop. but i should. and i will try. so hard. for him. he bassically beeged me. no one has ever begged me and no one has ever told me i was beautiful and to not ruin my life like this. he cared.
and you know what? they all used to. until what? i started wearing to much black? my music taste screamed about 'slitting throats'? i cut my hair? i dunno. i just feel like they all used to give a shit about me and now its just like i'm transparent. don't say you care on comments, because if you cared, you would prove it.
-you wouldn't abondon me
-you wouldn't pretend i don't exsist
-you would listen to me
i'm REALLY not asking for alot. but it seems like i'm asking for the world.
isn't it funny how you don't realise how much you love someone until they are gone? now that they are gone how are you supposed tell them how much they mean to you?? how am i supposed to tell him i loved him and that i care about him now that he's in a coffin? his parents are deciding either to burry or to turn to ashes. i think they should burry him. i'll visit his grave. he was only 15. died of an overdose on sleeping pills. decided to swallow them with his dad's whiskey...his last drink i guess. i remember he used to have scars all up and down his arms....on his chest too. i remember he used to cut infront me and me infront of him. it was like our game. you know...who could cut more with out making the other cry. it was fun....in a sick twisted way. we would listen to HIM together considering he idolized ville valo. he had a huge poster of ville in his bed room. he even painted his walls the pink from the cover. i remember him arguing with his dad about about the shade. his dad went out of his way to get that color and he insisted it was a shade to dark. but he settled. he gave up skating 3 months ago. he said "it reminds me too much of them you know?" acctually i did know. his two best friends killing them selves in february and march of last year. now just one to add to june. i surprised he even lasted this long. kinda.
well a few more tears for me to choke on and a few more cuts to heal.
R.I.P. drake...july 13th-june 7. i'll miss you forever.
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[08 Jun 2005|08:19pm] |
fuck you all. i hate this. you all just kill me. just drive these spikes you own into my heart. who can i trust? 2 people??
thank you. for all the suport and all the love i get. it makes me feel oh so fucking special.
isn't it interesting how the people i get along with most are in their early 20's. NO not the lashes. the two poeple are sweet. they think i'm the coolest kid they've met. and they don't hide it. they make me want to be with them everyday...almost be adopted. i'd love it with her. she says shes always lonely while hes out...
and i've thrown my words all around:
you gave up. just like that you said "i'm done" and you ran off. CHOKING on your own angst you left me here...dieing for you pain. i thought i was done with you, washed my hands of your blood. now theres just more to clean.
1
2
3
if you feel like dieing you might want to sing:
you should have said something. you should have told me. i didn't know you were this bad. please. god...why did you go????
1
2
3
voices carry on and out the door:
apathy. is what i long for.
1
2
3
you came to me like a dream, the kind that always leaves:
and you're gone.
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[06 Jun 2005|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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music |
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let it bleed-THE USED |
] |
remember when you would call my name? for comfort? i'd see you out side the classroom door upset and making a gessture. i'd come outside just to give you a hug. i'd ask you,
"what's wrong?"
you'd brush me off and say, so bitterly,
"nothing, her."
'nothing' meant 'everything' and 'her' meant 'nothing'
to me.
i'd hope you would see she wasn't worth it and that i could be so much better but i knew you were blind. that oe day it changed, it was me saying,
"nothing, him"
you laughed. gave me a hug and told me everything would be fine. would it? were you lying? you held my hand and led me to comfort.
to around the corner. you hugged me one last time before you left me. until tommorow.
i told you where i would leave to. you smiled and said,
"don't say goodbye to me"
i looked at you. amazed,
"goodbye isn't for forever"
"tell me where" you blinked behind your hiding places.
"california."
"eventually," you laughed. "i'll meet you there."
..................i'd wait forever.
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[05 Jun 2005|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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broken |
] |
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music |
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i never met another gemini-THE BLED |
] |
you say you care right? i think you're lying. you say you love me? then hold me. you said you cried before? then prove it.
i think you died last night. when you left you died. you took that blade to your wrist and slid it up. you'd think i'd cry over you? you held me while i slept. you whispered nothing in my ear. you kissed my cheek softly. it was all a gimmik, wasn't it?
.......................................................................................
PORCELAIN HEARTS AND HAMMERS FOR TEETH
I'd burn alive to keep you warm when you're alone. Shiver under blankets in
the basement where our secrets sleep. You pour the liquor on the staircase,
girl. Pass the flask and close your eyes. Are you grieving for what we've
become? Are you running from that room? We set the evidence on fire. We
light cigarettes and chase out old regrets. Are you grieving for tonight? I
smell the sulfur on her skin (breathe in). Yesterday will be the end of you
and I. Yesterday will be the end of shoulders where we rest our head. Now we
grieve for tomorrow goes on without us. Now we breathe for no one else.
Everything is broken slowly sinking under waiting for tomorrow waiting for
the grave to tell me that she's lonely. Open up and hold me slowly feel my
body becoming one and only. Death is just an excuse to forget you. Now we
run from ourselves. Hope lies not in the mirror. I'll burn alive for you.
the bled.....delb eht
.......................................................................................
mirror images of broken hearts repeated, repeated.
stories of legands and what they've become,become.
you cried again tonight, your wish defeated, defeated.
your skin so white and cold, your heart so numb, so numb.
darling your grave starves for your blood
the concrete holds you there tonight.
the stars don't try to be your flood
i know you still can't hold your promises, hold your promises kept.
bloody dreams of running and hidding from past feelings, feelings.
cutting through layers of hurt and it hurts you more, hurts you more.
your hate keeps building up and you drink it's defeatings, defeatings.
your tears drown your fears even more, and more.
darling your grave starves for your blood
the concrete holds you there tonight.
the stars don't try to be your flood
i know you still can't hold your promises, hold your promises kept.
don't drag me down with you, i've crawled up from that place before
the darkness still gets my dreams, don't smother my life again.
.........................................................................
for you, are always in my dreams and you, can't find me any longer?
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[05 Jun 2005|01:02am] |
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mood |
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 i love him. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none. |
] |
I TOOK A PICTURE WITH JUSTIN CRONK. MY FAVORITE GUITARIST EVER.
i had dinner with the lashes/pretty girls make graves/interpol/SOCIAL DISTORTION/vendetta red.
i almost......
DIED......
of happiness.
i didn't have a clue the lashes and the bravery were in a fight. apperently sam, lead singer of the bravery, wanted to kick ben's ass in new york. well...i say....two great bands...don't fight....the lashes are better and ben is hotter than sam. there. who wins? THE LASHES. duh.
awesome new shirts, they have. <-------sorry being yoda.
speaking of yoda....hayden christensen.....drool...so fucking hot. see?:
hee hee......
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[03 Jun 2005|04:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dead like me-BLEEDING THROUGH |
] |
hee hee. ENDfest tomorrow and SOMEONE wants to hang with me tomorrow. and on the 24. :) that makes me smile.
well. i have to finish my jacket, add leisa, and let ange on myspace.
20 hours until doors open.
22 hours until the show starts.
24 hours until the lashes play.
but....
most importantly 20 hours until i see him.
and 30 hours until i'll want to see him again.
xoxo
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| THIS ISN'T ABOUT ANY OF YOU. |
[02 Jun 2005|03:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 don't... |
] |
| [ |
music |
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what i bleed without you-BLEEDING THROUGH |
] |
it's drifting away. do you see it? over there. right in front of your face. you thought it'd stay this way forever? you thought wrong. guilt, do you feel that? guilt is like a second heart beat. after every breath you take...it comes up behind you and takes one of your lungs, making it harder to breathe. you stop and think about that moment that makes you guilty, regretful, or sad. then you breathe again. does it hurt your throat, when you scream like that? it hurts my heart. it always does. to hear someone like you think you're wrong...it troubles me. it's a kind of thing that keeps me up at night. why should you be hurting when i deserve every inch of it. i killed it. i killed you and you still cry. one day you'll see the reason i did it, then maybe you'll forgive me? you're hearts still beating i can hear it in my dreams...did you say you're sorry? don't apologize...cry my darling, cry. this shoulders yours if you need it. i'll comfort you....even if the knife in your back stings...you'll still trust me. i hope you know that. this blood pattern will fade and you'll finally regret it, but even then you'll feel my eyes burning through yours and the taunting feeling of someone always there. i'll always be there. outside your window, outside your door, outside your wedding, outside your coffin. i won't let you lay this one to rest. you'll beg for my forgivness, you'll beg for my trust, you'll beg for me to apologize.
on your knees.
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[01 Jun 2005|05:50pm] |
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mood |
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 conf |
] |
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music |
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the poison-ALKALINE TRIO |
] |
he wasn't here today. either that or he was avoiding me like mad. i dunno what to do. i want to go out with him....i don't want friends with benefits. i care to much about him. i would want more, i'd want him to tell me "i love you" without knowing he meant as a friend. if he's not wanting to date anyone...then i guess i'll wait? i dunno....ah.....who cares?
i'm falling again. i can feel it. i always do. when ever i'm "in love" i always slip. why? i ask myself everytime. i tell myself i'm wrong, i say its obvious. just hate yourself. it keeps you going. i'm always wrong. i hate myself, i hurt myself, i freeze. i just wish i could have someone to hold me when i feel alone, he used to be that until friday. yesterday....we hugged, he told me he loved me, but it felt different. almost, wrong. i don't get this. whats wrong with me. why do i care so much about everything.
help?
long entries about angst and heartbreak...oh how i missed them....not. i sound so fucking emo...might as well just put my hair to the side and cry over The Early November.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
i miss you still, i wonder why?
he called me, i missed his call...i don't know why he called.i didn't know he had my cell number, i didn't know he had my number at all. it reminded me of last summer...with you. hour long conversations with him...discussing nothing. whispering under the receiver thinking he couldn't hear a word we said. when really...he could. ha ha. we didn't figure that out until later. he wishes he got raped by jorge. i wished i was jorge. he was a pimp. you were the pimptress. i was the hoe. ha ha. good times, good times.
i don't hate you. just thought you should know...if you even read this. :)
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[31 May 2005|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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loved |
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music |
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this is not a smiths song-THE LASHES |
] |
i love him. that is it. its out there. i love him. it was a little akward today...but we still were just like we were. except he told the whole world. EVEN MR.DAVIS KNOWS. wtf is that??? oh well....what ever. i love how his hair is always in face. i love him. wow.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
The new FINCH cd comes out on the 7th. should be rad...from what i heard.
The new AS I LAY DIEING cd comes out on the 10th or 14th and it should be awesome. of course.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
well....i am rather bored and i should be doing chores right now but i don't feel like it.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
the WORLD needs MORE love LETTERS.....
ENDfest 4 days....woo!XD
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[31 May 2005|01:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired as fuck...night night |
] |
| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio |
] |
whoa. hey every one. i just got back from one those concerts that you never want to end.
1.nurses
2.reeve oliver
3.vendetta fucking red
4.finch.
it ws like the 3rd raddest show i've ever been to...and the best part is i got in for free. thanks to ange and zach davidson. rad rad rad rad rad.
for the first band, NURSES i didn't mosh cause they were good, but not moshable. the lead singer was really hot. and the bassist was really sweet. we chilled for like 20 minutes before finch. then it was this really rad kinda punk pop band, REEVE OLIVER. i had heard of them but never HEARD them. and they were great. the drummer was such a spaz. he had huge rose pink glasses on. i got his drum stick. then it was the fabolous, the great, the rad, the one, the only VENDETTA FUCKING RED!!!!!!! the were great as usual. but just something about seeing them at GRACELAND made it SO MUCH BETTER. the played 3 old songs. Lipstick Turniqiuts, Opiate Summer, and, of course, Shatterday. it was awesome. i had these 3 moshing buddies. one was a really hot punk guy. he was holding me during one of the new songs..actually...i thiunk it was "shiver" um...anyway...he was cool. oh yeah me and ange met this awesome guy named J.P. no, not john...but yeah he was cool...we're going to chill soon. acctually. he just called me. he says hello. then i talked with JUSTIN and he was soooooo sweet. i fucking love that kid. then it was time for FINCH. they were awesome. not much to say but they racked. great to mosh to. and i crowd surfed. i met 2 guys...the guitarist and the bassist. i ran into the singer when i was on stage. but yeah. THEY PLAYED WHAT IT IS TO BURN. i 7hearts; that song. it is one of the greatest ever written by any band.
i have another mexican buddy. now i have 3. this one was wearing an UNEARTH shirt.
i made another friend who liked COUNT THE STARS.
i made a new friend who enjoys REEVE OLIVER's drummer as much as i do.
and i have 4 moshing buddies, punk dude, sweaty dude, finch fanatic, and strong dude.
yeah ben coudn't come...:( he said he wanted to and would if he got home in time...but i guess he didn't.
there was a jumper today on the aurora bridge...near alex's house.
always the poll bearer....never the corpse.
"she counted down the days for mars,and in the backyard counting stars"
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[29 May 2005|08:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 WOO! |
] |
| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio-BLUE CAROLINA |
] |
so, i've been chillin with leisa and allison and jessikah and sam and david and br!no and rafa and josh and brad and amber and jeremiah and brandan and ruby and liv and julia and xandre(ska kid) and andrea and dylan and then other people at folk life today. it was so awesome. yeah.....
HELLA ANARCHY!
yeah so i'm pretty happy. friends with benefits good right it may not be going out but i sure as hell will settle. :). i fucking love him. that kid is so rad.
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[28 May 2005|04:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio-BURN |
] |
I NO LONGER HAVE ALKALINETRIOITIS.
it is cured. thanks to almost NONE of you. ha ha. yeah ben bought me the cd. and whole bunch of new lashes pins...so a few of you will get some. i only have 6 sets so get to me fast.
rush delivery!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
i love him. i really do. not the one that i've been talking about in my last few entries. this is one that i like alot but havn't really told anyone til a few days. hes so awesome....i hope this works out.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
PLEASE, comment?
xoxo.
ruby.
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mcrluvsme's journal
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